Addendum
I don’t even know what to say. I’ve been tweeting so much shit and it’s just so retarded. I know it’s because I’m reaching out to anybody who will listen or respond hoping that someone can help, but I know no one can, so I don’t even know why I still do it.
This just feels like a dead end. I have no direction in life, I feel trapped by medication, insurance, and finances, and of course there’s the loneliness. It never goes away. It is with me always. It’s the only constant in my life. Sometimes it’s buried by distractions and relationships, but it has always been there.
My greatest fear is that it will always be there. That I will never overcome this disconnectedness I’ve experienced since I was a child. I can’t live like this anymore. I want to learn to love myself and become comfortable with my solitude on some level, but I also don’t want to feel this cold isolation forever. It’s absolutely fucking miserable. I would give up everything just to feel connected to the rest of the world or even one person on more than just a basic level.
I care so much about my friends. I am extremely grateful to have every single one of them. I want only the best for all of them, and would do anything to make their lives better in anyway I can. I hate to see my friends suffer more than anything and I have witnessed so much pain in the hearts of my closest ones this year. I want to help them, but how can I help anyone if I can’t even save myself?
It just brings me back to my isolation. I see them hurting and can do nothing about it. It makes me feel so selfish and self-absorbed and my self-hatred just grows and grows. I am so needy and empty inside. I’m like a black hole, sucking in everything around it into nothingness. I am never filled and so I just continue to drain the life out of everyone around me.
Again I’ve lost my point. I just don’t know how much longer I can do this. I really need to see some serious signs of progress soon or I don’t know. I just don’t know. I just know I don’t want to live like this any longer. I can’t take it.
So I’m writing this here because I know you won’t see it. I guess there’s part of me that hopes you will otherwise I wouldn’t put it on the Internet at all, but no one reads this, really so whatever.
Last night is the closest I’ve ever come to killing myself. That includes the time I actually tried to kill myself back in 2003. That was just a cry for help that no one heard anyway. Last night was real. The only thing that stopped me is an intense fear of death, but I’m starting to embrace it. No one knows any of this.
I didn’t go through with anything, obviously, but the thought of living another day feeling so desperately alone was more than I could bare. Instead I just cried in my bed for hours. The fact that I wanted to die scared me just enough to stop me, but barely. I thought about how I’ve been alone ever since I was a kid and how every relationship I’ve ever been until this year still lacked a full connection.
I’ve hated myself so much for so long that I’ve always tried to be the person that my girlfriend wanted me to be, meanwhile dying slowly inside and hiding my true self as best I can. This year was the first time I was ever completely honest about everything with someone, and I still couldn’t give her everything, even though I wanted to and tried to. All my old fears and insecurities still got in the way and lead me to destroy it, when what I really wanted and needed most at that time was to embrace it and trust it.
Knowing that even in the face of the most honest relationship I’ve ever been a part of I still threw everything away to protect myself from what was really nothing and brought about that which I most feared was too much.
I don’t know where I’m going with this anymore so I’ll wrap it up now.
The point is I’m still here. I still have some hope that things will get better and that’s enough to keep me going. Things are not always terrible, which is a sad way to look at it, but it’s all I have. I don’t want to die, but I also don’t want to live with these feelings anymore.
So Much Pain
I guess this place is safe since no one reads this anyway so there’s no risk of anyone accusing me of being melodramatic.
Passed out crying around 11:30 or midnight. Woke up sometime between 4 and now. Can’t stop thinking about everything. Can’t shut my mind off. Can’t stop hurting. Everything hurts so much inside me. I’ve lost everyone who ever loved me. Well, I’ve lost almost everything in general.
My house is a sad, empty, lonely place and I never want to be there, so instead I keep over-staying my welcome on a friend’s couch. I have nowhere else to go that feels remotely safe or welcoming and this place is starting to lose that too.
I feel so terribly alone all the time. I’ve lost all of the people I ever felt comfortable talking to and I don’t want to just talk to anybody because how can they understand? I’ve pushed everyone who ever cared away or been abandoned by them and now there is no one left but me, and I don’t really like him that much.
There is a deep sadness that resonates in my heart and it will not go away. I can’t stop crying. You’d think i’d get tired or run out of moisture but neither has happened. I just keep crying and I can’t stop.
All I want is to sleep right now. I just want to sleep the pain away, because the only time I don’t hurt is when I’m asleep. Unfortunately, my mind will not stop flooding with painful thoughts and memories and I can’t shut it off long enough to fall back to sleep.
I don’t know what else to say. I just don’t want to hurt anymore, but the hurting never stops. It only hurts more.
urbanautica:
Photo: William Eggleston Greenwood, Mississippi, 1973
BIG STAR “Radio City”, 1974, Ardent Records
«Alex Chilton, described by some as the fragile incarnation of the beautiful loser, left us over a year ago at the age of 59 after a heart attack, just days after the death of Mark Linkous…
I love everything about this, of course.
Easing the seat back (Taken with Instagram at Panama)
Bird (Taken with Instagram at Secret Special Hiding Place)
